This is definitely a touchy subject and one that I think has merit on either side of the argument.
First of all, I applaud the young lady for preserving life in the face of her hurtful ordeal. To keep the baby must have been a difficult decision in itself.
As for 'concealing the truth'. The way I see it is this; I am certain that there are details of heaven and hell that God has chosen not to reveal to us in this life, either because the magnificence of heaven's glory us too much for us to comprehend, or the savage torture of hell that we've been spared from is too terrifying for our minds to deal with. To me, this is part of God's mercy; we know enough and we know what we need to know to make an informed decision, but there are things we don't need to know and probably shouldn't know while we are bound by our human limitations.
Is there a parallel with this chain of though that can be drawn with the decision this young lady has to face? What good would it do to tell her daughter that she was the product of rape? Should she be given the whole truth, or just enough for her to be informed but not damaged?
I don't have an answer, and I don't think anyone can have a definitive answer to this. Tough question. Great blog post.
I can't remember the exact statistic--and personally I don't care to--but the majority of children who have a parent that commits suicide ALSO commit suicide.
Do you REALLY think that such a child should be told what happened?
To tell such a truth for the sake of telling the truth without any regard to the consequences is like setting all the dry leaves on fire in a forest just because you want to keep warm.
When we became Christians, we took an oath to love. And love does no harm. Most often than not, that means putting others before ourselves. And I would gladly FREEZE TO DEATH instead of lightning a single match just to keep warm on a cold night and end up driving millions of people from their homes and setting off generational consequences I could scarcely comprehend.
CJ Mills
· 1 year ago
Wow bro - I don't even know how to answer that question....wow
That's a really fine line. I've never been raped, so I don't actually know how I would handle it, but I do think there is something to be said for sharing the truth even when it hurts. I think if it were me, I would tell her (at the right time, when she's old enough to understand). I would want my daughter to be aware that bad things sometimes happen... not so that she could be fearful, but so that she could be careful. And I would definitely want her to know that even though I had to go through this terrible thing, that she was worth it. I imagine it would be incredibly difficult to trust that God is with me and knows what he's doing after having endured a rape, but the God I know is big enough to keep drawing me to him and healing my heart again and again, no matter how little faith I have. I would want her to know that... to know that when life is at its worst, when your body is bruised and your person violated and your heart battered, Jesus is still beyond enough.
Odgie
· 1 year ago
When did you switch over? I wondered why I hadn't seen any new posts in a while, then I realized that my reader was at your old site.
i chose to tell my daughter last september, when she was 13 yrs old, that i had two abortions as a teenager.
why did i tell her?
2 of the many reasons.
i wanted her to hear from me what my life had been like, what my thoughts were, from the moment i had the first abortion all the way to the very moment i confessed them to her. i wanted her to see the severity of my choices.
i also knew this would equip her with a powerful testimony. she can now come along side, God forbid she ever needs to, another young lady and walk her through, and hopefully out of, the process of abortion.
i did not flippantly tell her without much thought and prayer.
i believe this lady would do more harm than good by withholding the truth. one day, this little girl is gonna ask where her daddy is. will mom have to lie then? is that really better? "daddy left dear." ya know what a little girl thinks when her mommy tells her that? i do. "what did i do wrong mommy?"
i agree with sevens comment...truth is...bad things happen. period. its tough. its unfortunate. its a terrible situation for both of them. but what a powerful ministry these two can have together if it can be communicated the right way. there is no easy way to handle this. but telling her the truth when she feels it is best, and only she will know that, will be best.
nor - maybe im not understanding your comment. are you saying because this lady was raped that her daughter will be raped too? or worse yet, rape someone else? i dont see that as a pattern in all people. at all.
I just want to say thanks for your input on the Guitar Hero post on WithoutWax.tv As a reader, I appreciate what you had to say and I am glad you took the time to comment.
darla
· 1 year ago
Nor- i have a daughter who fits the profile you mentioned..and I have read those things that say it is likely..but I told her the truth, and I also expleined to her that she is worth everything to me, and although through her teen years I did watch her closely..I prayed tons..and if I were to lie to her about this..and she were to find out...wouldn't everything in her life look like a lie? I don't lie to my kids, it may be painful sometimes...but sometimes life is..God has a purpose for that child..even the one who the world sees as a result of rape...and the mother should be given great honor and respect for not having an abortion...it would have been totally acceptable. Lies have a way of coming back to bite you..I will stick with the truth.
Gee Brent.. Ask and easy question on a Monday why don't ya.
I would have to take this to a smaller issue to explain my feelings on this, so bare with me.
First, I am with Tam. I think Truth is Truth, and it is meant to be told. God with holding info from us is different than us with holding info from out children. WE ARE NOT GOD.. God reveals himself in whole in his Word, anything he withholds is because we aren't looking or listening.
Tam Said: i wanted her to hear from me what my life had been like, what my thoughts were, from the moment i had the first abortion all the way to the very moment i confessed them to her. i wanted her to see the severity of my choices.
Ok on the small scale, so this coming week end it Briar Horse fest at the Kentucy Horse park (We have not told our Daughter). My Sister camps every year, and it is a Girls only weekend. She invites all her nieces to camp with her. Emilie my daughter got to go for the first time last year and had a blast. This coming weekend is crazy for our family... I fly in late Friday, have leadership training at church early Saturday. Em has swim lessons Saturday morning, and we have to pack Em up to get her ready for Church camp on Sunday. Oh and a 1 year old that won't sit still... ;)
So if we do not let Em go do we even tell her Briar fest is this weekend or find out from her cousins after the fact? Ether way she will find out from her parents.
In other words, who do you want telling your child the truth you or someone else who doesn't have all the facts? Whether it is about a Horse festival that may not work out because of other plans, your Rape that was in no way the child's fault and could serve as a witness of how Christ can help a person overcome, or even your own relationship with Christ.
Ric
· 1 year ago
Gotta go with the truth. Coming from a broken family and two adopted children when I married (my wife's two children), the obfuscation of truth is basically the parent lying to their child. The curious child will likely seek out the truth. Like Ck said, "In other words, who do you want telling your child the truth"... good question.
Oh and I think Margo should update her tag line. Wit and Wisdom... one of these HAS to go. Just sayin'.
I'm torn. Really. At first my instant reaction was "HECK NO!" and then after reading everyone's comments, I can see the argument for telling her daughter the truth.
But then, I put myself in the daughters shoes. I would NOT want to know. I wouldn't.
Tam, what you shared with Kassidi is on a different scale I think. It was about choices YOU made. None of the choices you made had any bearing on how Kass might feel about herself. I just wonder that if a daughter knew she was the product of a rape, how would she feel about herself? And no, she's not her father, but a young girl would have a hard time seperating that.
Maybe, when she's an adult, I could see telling her. But not when she's growing up. At all. I think it would be too damaging.
I ONLY say all of this, b/c it makes me think about what I know of my dad and there is SO MUCH I would rather NOT know. Sometimes I see things in myself and think "is this from him?" or I wonder "is there any part of me that is like him" and I hate that. I know I do have some of his qualities and I hate those. I know that I look like him, and I hate that. There is so much I would rather NOT KNOW.
And in this case, I don't see it as lying. I see it as protecting her daughter. At LEAST until she is an adult.
Oh, also, there IS something about my dad that my mom kept from me until I had Aidan. While it is nothing close to a secret as heavy as this, I am still glad she didn't tell me earlier. I wouldn't have handled it very well as a teenager. Even now, it bothers me, but I can deal with it much better.
Anyway, that is my two cents. Which turned into, like, a million. ;-)
Tam said: "nor - maybe im not understanding your comment. are you saying because this lady was raped that her daughter will be raped too? or worse yet, rape someone else? i dont see that as a pattern in all people. at all."
Nor replies: "I really don't think you're understanding my comment. I simply mentioned 'another example' where I believe, based on my experience, that it is not necessary to tell the truth. Never meant to draw a comparison to the original example Brent gave, but to point out that a truth should never be told simply for the sake of telling the truth. We've got to extremely mindful of the consequences of our actions and our words. And where one child of rape may process the truth beneficially (seeing his/her life as a gift), another child of rape may not (seeing his/her life as a curse)."
Nor Said: And where one child of rape may process the truth beneficially (seeing his/her life as a gift), another child of rape may not (seeing his/her life as a curse).”
Not saying you are wrong, just want to ad another dimension.
The determination of what Nor said might lie with the parent telling the child. How does the parent view their life and child's life? A blessing or a curse?
inworship
· 1 year ago
Wow, it's hard to jump in here, there are so many good thoughts.
Odgie, sorry I caught you off guard. I changed over about a month ago.
Tyler, I hear you, I am not sure that situation speaks to this one. they are definitely different in intensity, but I understand what you are saying.
Noreaster, I understand your concerns. being in the ministry I have had to deal over the last 10 years with about 10 different suicides. Those are ones we directly were involved with the family or the memorials. We just held a memorial for a lady dealing with MS last week that took her own life.
Statistically, I know of spouses (especially older spouses) taking their life after their spouse has died. But I have never heard of children doing it. And in our case that has never happened. I am sure it has.
But, in all these situations, the family was definitely informed and a part of the process. Understanding how to grieve through it, care for each other through it and so on. I have seen that side of it and know that people can deal with this while cared for, however horrid the situation.
Carl just said, "The determination of what Nor said might lie with the parent telling the child. How does the parent view their life and child's life? A blessing or a curse?" This is HUGE in my opinion.
Everyone is going to react differently, but the way we are spoken and informed has a ton to do with it. We as a church were the ones that were asked to inform some of these families to the true nature of their death. Some family members were not able to or prepared to speak about it and so someone stepped in to help in the process.
Getting back to the lady in my post, she has to be very cautious in how she speaks to her child about this and how she speaks about this childs father. Because the reality is that this child will be drawn to her father in some way, rapist or not. If mom has someone who can walk her through this, there will be a very good chance that both sides will be better for it.
Scriptures talk about protecting our children. But it doesn't say from bad things, it says from the evil one. I believe very strongly that all of us, including children will and need to walk through the fire to be refined. Caring and loving individuals on our sides can help in the process. I would never recommend people walk through a situation like this without some good counsel and care.
tam
· 1 year ago
brandy - i understand what you're saying, but i believe my choice could have effected Kass greatly in a different way had i not told her. i always 'feared' she would find out some way. so i considered what i would have thought had i heard my mom had abortions before she had me. my thoughts would have been, "wow, what if she would've killed me too?...why did she choose me? why didn't she choose the others? why was she pregnant in the first place?" (and thats a "why" not "HOW" ;) )
so i think the choices i made did indeed have a bearing on how Kass feels about herself, having told her of them (my choices). she feels loved, chosen, worthy. and this little girl in the story...can feel the same way when her mother tells her...'even in the face of tragedy...i chose YOU!" the mom didnt choose to be raped, no, but she chose to keep her child. so the same way i told kass, "IF you ever find yourself in a situation that forces you to consider an abortion...KNOW that you dont HAVE to go down that road" - this mother of the little girl can say the same thing..."IF you find yourself in a similar situation (rape) KNOW that you dont have to travel an uncertain road, not knowing what to do...i chose you...and you are my blessing and reward, crafted out of tragedy."
If the Mom keeps this a secret, what does she tell the daughter? What does the daughter do when she wants to know her dad? This "secret" is public knowledge and will be found out someday if this daughter ever tries to find her dad.
inworship
· 1 year ago
Anita, thanks for your appreciation. Pete's a great guy and that is actually a decent discussion. Wish that person would come out of hiding and let us discuss with them at their blog or something.
Brandy
· 1 year ago
Brent, the mom did say, in the article, that her fiance wants to adopt the girl, and that she never pressed charges for the rape....so I wonder how "public" the knowledge really is then??
And like the lady said to her, she may never question her paternity, especially if this guy is going to adopt her???
Tam, I totally see your point of view the way you explained it. ;-) However, I'm still on the fence. I like the way you explained it to Kass though.
I think all kids try to find thier dad at some point.. I know I did. so did my half brother (actually I don't call him that), so did most of my friends growing up..yes city kids...most of us either had a step parent or just lived with a single mom...
GOd honors truth..and I believe as long as I speak truth, He will take care of the rest. My daughter did not like the truth ( at 15) but she has come to understand her worth to me, and respect more why I was single and why I worked alot..she had issues with that.
I think in this case the truth should be told. But the general question, is it okay to tell a lie? Absolutely. If you were hiding Jews in your attic in Nazi Germany and the gestapo asked, "are you hiding Jews?" what else could you do but lie? Not only "not wrong" but in fact, the right thing to do. Or maybe it's wrong, but we need to ask for forgiveness - and God is there to forgive with a nudge and a wink.
This is a great topic. I was raped at age 20 and chose abortion, and subsequently had another abortion a few years later because at the time I didn't even know who the father might be - all this I've recovered from emotionally and spiritually, praise God, and it happened years before I met and married my husband of now almost 18 years. We currently have 10-year-old twins (boy and girl) and an 9-year-old adopted boy.
We've always told our adopted son the truth, and when he finally figures out how babies are made, I'm sure there will be more deeply emotional questions he will ask. The twins don't know that they were conceived via IVF...but when they are old enough, we just may tell them. I would also seriously consider telling my children about the rape and the abortions when they are teenagers and are old enough to learn about all that stuff. Like Tam, I feel honesty is the best life example I can give...but only when the children are old enough to process and understand it correctly.
tam
· 1 year ago
i didn't find out who my father was until i was 13. i asked. but i was never told. all i ever got was an "i dont know". thats it. i hated it. then when i finally found out i quickly realized the new knowledge came with a lot of other surprises. a woman i thought was always my "aunt" was actually my 1/2 sister. which meant her children (my cousins) were my niece and nephews. everything they lived, everything my family ever told me...was a lie. period. if they weren't gonna tell me the truth - then they had to fabricate something else to pacify me. the only person that hurt and left a mark on, was me.
You are one cool dude. This is one cool post. While I am sure this was not your intention, and likewise as sure you will share in my praise of your wife... did, your wife IS SO COOL. I just read Tam's comments and I am blown away. Speechless. Need to go process her emotional maturity and inspiration to BE. Tam, you are one amazing lady. Thanks for sharing your truths. People crave real. You just put some in a dish and poured sugar on top. In otherwords, you have a balance of blending truth and grace. Thanks.
Darla states the compelling case for the truth: "I think all kids try to find their dad at some point..." I do not know what the statistics are on this but my experience is it is at least 50% and may be as high as 90% of kids will be curious and go looking/searching.
So if the chances are high that the daughter (once a teen...say 14-17) will go searching for her dad, does that impact your thoughts on this?
Another thought here, reading back through all of these comments and knowing how I would feel (as far as not wanting to know) it reminds me of something I learned about my mom and I am sure the mom in this instance is doing the same thing....
She is going to do her best with what she has. She will do what she feels best for her daughter when she is older. She may tell her and the daughter may be happy to finally know, or she may be upset at the horrible background of her father. Or, she could not tell her and if the daughter one day found out on her own, she could be happy to know her mom was trying to protect her, or she could be mad at her mom for not telling her. What I'm trying to say is that the mom will never know what the right choice is. We can all say in hindsight what we would do with our own situations, but every kid is different, every mom is different. James had the best (and first) comment of all I think. No one can give a difinitive answer b/c everyone's situation is different.
My first comment on this said "no, don't tell" but I take that back (am I allowed? haha) Now after thinking about this longer I would say she should definately pray about it from now until forever and take into consideration the type of person her daughter becomes. One that could be strong enough to handle the truth, or one that would benefit from some loving protection. And I certainly wouldn't write anymore newspaper columnists for advice. :lol:
I think our feelings and opinions on both sides of this can come into play. but here is where I lie.
we cannot guarantee that things will be a certain way or people will feel a certain way. you can't live based on that. we have to live based on right and wrong. Truth and lie. I have to go with truth.
So, my process of dealing with situations would then be how to both learn from it myself and then how to teach others and walk others through it.
One of the most beautiful things about God's "saving grace" is that we from a past that could have been awful to a present and future that is completely transformed. This only happens when we come face to face with truth and reality. We can't be transformed or renewed from something we never new.
as much as I want to "protect" this littel girl fromt he truth, it is not eh little girl that has been damaged by it. it is her Mom that was raped. this litte girl actually has the truth of a Mom that loved her enough to keep her and not abort here, even in the midst of an awful situation. This little girl not only has a loving Mom that is now free of and healed from a horrid past, but also has a new loving and caring father. this girl is blessed.
For this girl to know the truth is to not devastate her, it is to show her how blessed and fortunate she is. She is alive, with a loving Mother who is safe and well, and a loving step Dad.
In truth, she will know of the dangers of rape, irst hand. She will know the freedom from bondage, first hand and she will understand the sanctity of life first hand. I would not keep that God ordained life from her.
inworship
· 1 year ago
Roxx, thanks for the very kind words, and yes, I think my wife is extremely cool!
Brad Ruggles
· 1 year ago
Man, that's a tough question and good discussion. I really think that there is no black and white answer to the question. The beautiful thing about the Holy Spirit is that he leads and guides us each differently.
My first take on this question is that the truth will always get you further than trying to cover something up. But then again, this didn't happen to me so there is no way I could know what I would really do if this hit home for us.
In the end I believe that the truth will always set you free and is stronger than the lies that enemy tries to sell us. I would hope that if I were in the same circumstance I could seek God's face and find the strength to let God speak to me and bring healing and forgiveness.
I admit now without much reservation I was raped at 16 1/2 in my parents bedroom by my 45 year old next door neighbor. Today... at 41 years old and being a christian for many years I can be transparent about it. See I believe in God's grace.
Was I angry you betcha and "walt" define me for many years. I cannot even smell old spice anymore. BUT>>>
I have had some hard hits in my life. That's fine, but if I store them inside way deep where they belong like some of commenters feel. Then I won't have a testimony of God's grace, power, forgiveness and there maybe a woman or male or child who gets in that situation and they hold in so tight that they don't tell, that DAILY it starts to define them and mold them into something they aren't. Then it takes years and years to heal.
It's okay to share I believe...... as long as its the healing process has begun in someone's life.
I've had this post and some of the comments roaming around my head all night. Some of the comments have inspired me--like Tam (as usual) & Heidi--and some have just absolutely infuriated me--and, well, nevermind that part. Another time and I would have addressed them, but I haven't had a day off since before Memorial Day and I'm not getting one until after Labor Day. And, granted, it certainly doesn't help that I haven't gone to church in a month and for whatever reason I don't care to. (Come to think of it, that's probably it: I DON'T CARE!)
But you know something? I swear I'd never thought I'd do this...but I was once involved with a woman who had been raped and had had a child as a result. And I once asked her the same question that everybody is debating here. I could tell you what she said, of course, but shortly after she answered my question, I realized I had no business pretending I would ever come close to understanding what she had been through. And I realized that most of my thoughts on the subject until then were just meaningless conjecture. And even now, I can only honestly say that I simply caught a glimpse. Because unless you've been through it, that's just about all it is--a glimpse. Or meaningless conjecture.
But you know what it was like for me? A cloud in the sky. On a bright, beautiful summer day with a gentle breeze blowing through my hair while I'm feeling the grass beneath my feet and the sunlight on my face. And to focus on something SO negative--rape--when you've got so much of God's glorious creation right in front of you because you actually took the time to get to know the mother and the child and you dared to believe that they were both made in God's Image...
...That's like spending a gorgeous summer day staring a single cloud wondering when it will rain. Do you want to stare at that cloud all dang day or see the beauty of God's creation that's right in front of you?
And Heidi (God bless her!), who HAS been through it--though she didn't say whether or not she'd had a child as a result--summed it very nicely when she said, "If I store it inside...then I won’t have a testimony of God’s grace, power, forgiveness."
The truth in a case like this will eventually out itself. At best, the mom can hope for a fortunate flip of the coin. Advising the mother to live with the fear that her daughter may one day discover the truth on her own would be too much for me to lay on anyone's shoulders, much less a rape victim's shoulders.
My recommendation to the mother (given what little I know about the mother) would be to seek counseling. I would be very concerned that her asking of permission to hide her past is a veil for some shame or fear she is carrying.
My book that's coming out has this type of story line to it...interesting post you've got going here. I think lying to cover up her daughters past could ripple into many other hurts and secrets, which is never a good idea. BUT choosing the right time and praying to God for guidance in telling her daughter would be the right thing to do. BUT essentially it's our own individual call on issues like these. We have to do what we as individuals feel is the right thing. If it were up to me, I'd tell the truth before it came out and hurt someone on it's own.
WOW! there are tons of things to cover and no way i can get them all...first off i say that the truth has to be told...if it's not, i agree with tam, it's going to eat this woman alive inside...there is always going to be this wonder of what will happen if the daughter one day finds out...
if she tells her something other than what happened, then she will be telling a lie and opening the flood gates to even more hurt and more lies to try and cover up the lies...it could be an endless cycle...
i would definitely say that she needs to wait until the girl is of an age where she can understand the situation...WOW!
Okay. I just re-read all of the comments again and...That's...I've got to get out of here or I'm going to say something I'm going to seriously regret...
Brad, I believe that when we know the truth that we are truly able to be the men or women God has created us to be. Healed and strong in Him.
Heidi, I am humbled that you would share with us. I will never know what you went through, but I can rejoice with you now knowing what God has done in you. As a brother in Christ, I am so proud of you! Thank you for your insight and your wisdom!
Ric, I have watched over and over as the truth comes out and how damaging it has been to those who withheld it.
Blessed1, the ability to release truth properly is huge. Instead of allowing the information to just appear and be dropped in someone's lap.
Jon, tough questions that we can only speculate for this woman, but can really consider for each of us.
Noreaster, I am not sure what is so frustrating. I have read through all the comments as well and they are very thoughtful and lots of good questions and wisdom. We know that we are not and cannot speak for this woman. #1 we only have some of the facts and #2 we don't know her personally.
What we do know is many of the things that people go through and how to walk them through it. I had an opportunity to talk to a good friend yesterday that is a grief counselor and also deals with crisi counseling for rape, or unplanned pregnancies. When I gave him this scenario he said that #1 this women needs to be healed herself. She needs to get well. She needs to not be living in bondage or fear. That may be a lifetime process, but one that she can begin and achieve as Heidi has shown us. With a saving relationship in Christ, I believe that process can be even better. The second thing was that in the process of healing for this mom was also the disclosure process to family. When a person goes through a traumatic situation they are devastated. Healing needs to take place for them to be move on. If this Mom were not to get proper counseling, this daughter could be worse of than any of this truth could ever leave her.
One thing we have been doing is focusing heavily on the daughter, but we need to remember that the person who's life was attacked was this Mom. She needs love, attention and care. She needs healing and a moving forward in life, that can encourage her and strengthen her and make her well. If/When this happens, this Mom will know how to lead and talk to her daughter. To what ever extent she decides.
I apologize if I am not here much today gang. I am working 14 hour days this week and will catch up in the evenings when I get home. Tam will help me out though :)
gchyayles
· 1 year ago
I was sexually assaulted as a child and I was raped when I was a SR in college. It hasn't always been this easy to share that with just anyone without becoming extremely anxious and depressed. God delivered me from the pain and mistrust that followed those two experiences but it was a process. I praise God that He used my experience as an awesome testimony to the people that I served when I was working in the Domestic/Sexual Violence field for 4 years.
From a spiritual perspective, truth is truth. God doesn't define truth as "only under certain exceptions." Having said that, I believe that God leads us to share truth with people in our lives as He deems appropriate. Let me see if I can articulate my point: if my daughter asked me if I had ever been sexually assaulted, I would tell her the truth. That is what I am called to do. To say "no" would be lying and lying is never an option for God. However, if she did not ask me, then my decision to share the truth with her would be based on the Holy Spirit's leading. There have been several times in my life where God has told me not to tell someone something that pertains to them or me because the timing was not appropriate or because it was not for me to tell them that particular thing. And then there have been times in my life where God has told me to share the truth with someone who did not neccessarily ask me for it.
My deliverance from those two traumatic experiences are a testimony. If that is the context God wants me to share that with my daughter/children then I shall be obedient and do so. If the context is safety, then I will do so. If the context is empathy, then I will do so [maybe she goes through the same thing, as hard as that is for me to think about, it's nothing something I can control]. The common thread is that God is the One who has to direct a conversation of this kind. He is the ultimate Wisdom and He will always give the appropriate answer.
Another thing I just thought of [thank you Holy Spirit] is that a good measure for making your decision is your motive. Are you sharing for yourself or are you sharing for the benefit of the person you're sharing with? God will never ask you to relieve your burden by burdening somebody else. I am a firm believer that one person's truth [as God has asked to reveal it] will never put someobody else in bondage. It's like in my therapy sessions and when I think about self-disclosure. Whenever I think about it being a good idea, I ask myself, am I doing this because I am needing something from the client or gaining something by self-disclosing or is it because hearing that I went through the same thing may add something to this client's healing experience.
Good thoughts everybody. I understand how heavy this conversation is and I didn't read through all the comments but I appreciate everyone walking in love and sharing their thoughts. God bless!
Les, I m blown away again, that someone would share. But as you have said in your comment, you are going to be faithful to e a testimony for Him. We are for His Glory and He will place the time and appropriateness in front of us.
You have given us some absolutely wonderful wisdom! Not just for those dealing with a situation like, this, but also for those in other situations where God is healing and truth is forthcoming.
Thank you!
Michelle
· 1 year ago
I'm late again...I'm always late...
most of my thoughts on the subject until then were just meaningless conjecture. And even now, I can only honestly say that I simply caught a glimpse. Because unless you’ve been through it, that’s just about all it is–a glimpse. Or meaningless conjecture. ~NorEaster
I married into a family with many secrets. Over the past 5 years lots of them have surfaced. My sister-in-law had 5 babies from the age of 13-18...she adopted out two girls and aborted the other three. The second child adopted out found her a few years ago, she was so happy because she didn't like the home she was adopted into and she found she was the result of a high school romance. She called herself "the love child".
In the course of finding her birth mom, she found she had another sister out there. The first girl who was adopted out was the result of a rape, but she didn't know that...
This child (the child of a rape) loved her adopted home, was a young married woman with her first child. When she found out she was the result of a rape, from well-intentioned but not well-informed family members, it shattered her world. She could not get her mind around what her father must have been like...She has since severed all ties with the family, it was too much to bear.
I'm not always sure we should tell our "truths", especially when another's psyche is involved. The truth that sets us free is the truth that all our sins have been dealt with at the cross. The truth that Christ died for ALL sin and we are totally new.
We don't have to reveal all the ugliness in the world, or our lives, to understand we are all sinners needing grace. We can share our stories when we have them understood, but to share a story that might ruin someone else's perspective of themselves/others for the sake of "telling the truth" might be a limited perspective.
So much needs to be evaluated in telling something like this to a child or an adult. The mother may have dealt with the forgiveness and restoration of what happened to her, but that doesn't mean the child is ready to hear it all. Each of us is unique in how we will hear and evaluate ourselves based upon what we understand to be truth.
I really liked James' comment at the first...
I am certain that there are details of heaven and hell that God has chosen not to reveal to us in this life, either because the magnificence of heaven’s glory is too much for us to comprehend, or the savage torture of hell that we’ve been spared from is too terrifying for our minds to deal with.
No blanket statements when it's all conjecture anyway...God deals with us individually with much grace and mercy...revealing to us what we can handle...not giving us more than we can bear.
I guess I'm saying CAUTION is the best approach, IMHO.
"Another thing I just thought of [thank you Holy Spirit] is that a good measure for making your decision is your motive."
I love this comment. What is the purpose of the conversation with the daughter? WE have no clue.. My daughter is 17, well developed and I sat down with over a Jamba juice and told her honestly of what happened. WHY? Because I don't want her to be blindsighted in believing that the world is perfect. She needs to have protection and the skills to know from right and wrong.
No Nor, I didn't have a child with my rape, but I did birth self-condemnation and lost of purity/innocence, and the feeling I was a whore because "walt" told me so.
I would want my child to have the freedom to tell me there was danger of this happening. I would want a women to be free to have a relationship with me under confidence that I would listen because I understood.
Granted there is a time, a place, and God's grace in reservation also.
I just learned recently that God is using my testimony in all this everday.
I no longer let "Walt" to haunt me.
Please let me tell you... It's taken 25 years to overcome this...
Interesting question...As a currently-healing victim of sexual abuse, I can empathize with her pain, though none of my experiences resulted in pregnancy. I repressed all of my abuse until a couple of years ago, when I started getting flashbacks...which has led me to learning more about the brain and how it stores memory, which is where the real relevance to this question comes in...
Our brains begin storing memories while in the womb, as early as 6-8 weeks of gestation. I imagine the mother experienced a gamut of emotions, both about the rape, and then about the resulting pregnancy. Her daughter, therefore, experienced the same emotions--the fear, possible rejection, confusion, and many more, but without the understanding of where they were coming from. We tend to internalize those feelings and direct them at ourselves.
Regardless of what the mother tells her, that little girl will always carry that emotional memory, and it will affect her deeply, though it will likely be subconscious.
Though 2 is young to reveal the truth (she doesn't even know where babies come from yet), eventually, sharing the truth with her daughter about the circumstances of her conception and the source of the emotions is one of the few ways to bring healing to a deep wound that is almost certainly, already there. It may take a deep healing prayer ministry effort to accomplish the task (see Deep Wounds, Deep Healing or other works by Dr. Charles H. Kraft, as well as other books on the subject). It's an amazing process, led by the Spirit, and I've witnessed, and experienced (see my blog), incredible healing miracles through the process.
my honest opinion here. naturally ;) people who are afraid of the truth (and i speak from experience) are typically enslaved and in bondage to some sort of lie. the truth is always there...but in our fear of 'it' we can easily begin to justify reasons and construct ways to hide it or withhold it. that not only leaves a mark on our hearts, spirits, emotions...we then begin to react defensively when the truth begins to show itself...then not only are we experiencing the pain of the battle that wages in our spirit over what is right...so do others around us as they witness something "off" yet can not understand it because the very person they trust cannot handle...truth.
econmommy, thanks so much for commenting and jumping in the discussion. these are definitely some hard thoughts to ponder. I appreciate your thoughts on this.
tam :)
Judy
· 1 year ago
I believe the daughter should be told. She is still a gift from God. I am probably a lot older than the rest of the ones that commented, but was raped as a child and when my mother found out she told me that wasn't a nice thing for me to do. Then I was molested until I was 16 (never told mother again) I believed I was always at fault and that what I was here for. I watched over my daughter so nothing bad would happen to her, but I hurt her by dragging her through so much. I did become a whore as I felt all I was good for was as a piece of meat. My dauther brought me back to God 14 years ago. I have worked very hard to get over my problems, but at times satin throws them in my face and I have problems with them. Now that I have God in my life again it helps so much. I used to ask God why these things happened to me. I believe they help your character and make it so you can help others. Sorry, I'm now rambling.
Tam I agree with you all the way. You are such a very special person.
inworship
· 1 year ago
Thanks Judy for your thoughts!
Amy
· 1 year ago
I haven't read any of the other comments, but I'll comment any way. I completely disagree that the mother should never tell her child about the rape. One of my very good friends was the "product" of a rape, and was almost aborted. She was told by her mother early on how special she is. She knows that God is real because she is alive. She knows how big God is because her mother made the decision to keep her despite the horrendous circumstances she was born out of. Her mission in life is to tell women, especially young women, that they are beautiful God made creatures, no matter where they came from.
Judy
· 1 year ago
Amy, That is how all mothers should be, I wish I had been like that before. We are all beautiful in God's eyes. How wonderful is that? It's beyond words.
All Comments
First of all, I applaud the young lady for preserving life in the face of her hurtful ordeal. To keep the baby must have been a difficult decision in itself.
As for 'concealing the truth'. The way I see it is this; I am certain that there are details of heaven and hell that God has chosen not to reveal to us in this life, either because the magnificence of heaven's glory us too much for us to comprehend, or the savage torture of hell that we've been spared from is too terrifying for our minds to deal with. To me, this is part of God's mercy; we know enough and we know what we need to know to make an informed decision, but there are things we don't need to know and probably shouldn't know while we are bound by our human limitations.
Is there a parallel with this chain of though that can be drawn with the decision this young lady has to face? What good would it do to tell her daughter that she was the product of rape? Should she be given the whole truth, or just enough for her to be informed but not damaged?
I don't have an answer, and I don't think anyone can have a definitive answer to this. Tough question. Great blog post.
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I can't remember the exact statistic--and personally I don't care to--but the majority of children who have a parent that commits suicide ALSO commit suicide.
Do you REALLY think that such a child should be told what happened?
To tell such a truth for the sake of telling the truth without any regard to the consequences is like setting all the dry leaves on fire in a forest just because you want to keep warm.
When we became Christians, we took an oath to love. And love does no harm. Most often than not, that means putting others before ourselves. And I would gladly FREEZE TO DEATH instead of lightning a single match just to keep warm on a cold night and end up driving millions of people from their homes and setting off generational consequences I could scarcely comprehend.
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I've never been raped, so I don't actually know how I would handle it, but I do think there is something to be said for sharing the truth even when it hurts. I think if it were me, I would tell her (at the right time, when she's old enough to understand). I would want my daughter to be aware that bad things sometimes happen... not so that she could be fearful, but so that she could be careful. And I would definitely want her to know that even though I had to go through this terrible thing, that she was worth it. I imagine it would be incredibly difficult to trust that God is with me and knows what he's doing after having endured a rape, but the God I know is big enough to keep drawing me to him and healing my heart again and again, no matter how little faith I have. I would want her to know that... to know that when life is at its worst, when your body is bruised and your person violated and your heart battered, Jesus is still beyond enough.
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My first thought as to why was thinking about the many times Jesus told his disciples and others to not tell others about who he was.
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why did i tell her?
2 of the many reasons.
i wanted her to hear from me what my life had been like, what my thoughts were, from the moment i had the first abortion all the way to the very moment i confessed them to her. i wanted her to see the severity of my choices.
i also knew this would equip her with a powerful testimony. she can now come along side, God forbid she ever needs to, another young lady and walk her through, and hopefully out of, the process of abortion.
i did not flippantly tell her without much thought and prayer.
i believe this lady would do more harm than good by withholding the truth. one day, this little girl is gonna ask where her daddy is. will mom have to lie then? is that really better? "daddy left dear." ya know what a little girl thinks when her mommy tells her that? i do. "what did i do wrong mommy?"
i agree with sevens comment...truth is...bad things happen. period. its tough. its unfortunate. its a terrible situation for both of them. but what a powerful ministry these two can have together if it can be communicated the right way. there is no easy way to handle this. but telling her the truth when she feels it is best, and only she will know that, will be best.
nor - maybe im not understanding your comment. are you saying because this lady was raped that her daughter will be raped too? or worse yet, rape someone else? i dont see that as a pattern in all people. at all.
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I would have to take this to a smaller issue to explain my feelings on this, so bare with me.
First, I am with Tam. I think Truth is Truth, and it is meant to be told. God with holding info from us is different than us with holding info from out children. WE ARE NOT GOD.. God reveals himself in whole in his Word, anything he withholds is because we aren't looking or listening.
Ok on the small scale, so this coming week end it Briar Horse fest at the Kentucy Horse park (We have not told our Daughter). My Sister camps every year, and it is a Girls only weekend. She invites all her nieces to camp with her. Emilie my daughter got to go for the first time last year and had a blast. This coming weekend is crazy for our family... I fly in late Friday, have leadership training at church early Saturday. Em has swim lessons Saturday morning, and we have to pack Em up to get her ready for Church camp on Sunday. Oh and a 1 year old that won't sit still... ;)
So if we do not let Em go do we even tell her Briar fest is this weekend or find out from her cousins after the fact? Ether way she will find out from her parents.
In other words, who do you want telling your child the truth you or someone else who doesn't have all the facts? Whether it is about a Horse festival that may not work out because of other plans, your Rape that was in no way the child's fault and could serve as a witness of how Christ can help a person overcome, or even your own relationship with Christ.
Oh and I think Margo should update her tag line. Wit and Wisdom... one of these HAS to go. Just sayin'.
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I'm torn. Really. At first my instant reaction was "HECK NO!" and then after reading everyone's comments, I can see the argument for telling her daughter the truth.
But then, I put myself in the daughters shoes. I would NOT want to know. I wouldn't.
Tam, what you shared with Kassidi is on a different scale I think. It was about choices YOU made. None of the choices you made had any bearing on how Kass might feel about herself. I just wonder that if a daughter knew she was the product of a rape, how would she feel about herself? And no, she's not her father, but a young girl would have a hard time seperating that.
Maybe, when she's an adult, I could see telling her. But not when she's growing up. At all. I think it would be too damaging.
I ONLY say all of this, b/c it makes me think about what I know of my dad and there is SO MUCH I would rather NOT know. Sometimes I see things in myself and think "is this from him?" or I wonder "is there any part of me that is like him" and I hate that. I know I do have some of his qualities and I hate those. I know that I look like him, and I hate that. There is so much I would rather NOT KNOW.
And in this case, I don't see it as lying. I see it as protecting her daughter. At LEAST until she is an adult.
Oh, also, there IS something about my dad that my mom kept from me until I had Aidan. While it is nothing close to a secret as heavy as this, I am still glad she didn't tell me earlier. I wouldn't have handled it very well as a teenager. Even now, it bothers me, but I can deal with it much better.
Anyway, that is my two cents. Which turned into, like, a million. ;-)
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Nor replies: "I really don't think you're understanding my comment. I simply mentioned 'another example' where I believe, based on my experience, that it is not necessary to tell the truth. Never meant to draw a comparison to the original example Brent gave, but to point out that a truth should never be told simply for the sake of telling the truth. We've got to extremely mindful of the consequences of our actions and our words. And where one child of rape may process the truth beneficially (seeing his/her life as a gift), another child of rape may not (seeing his/her life as a curse)."
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Not saying you are wrong, just want to ad another dimension.
The determination of what Nor said might lie with the parent telling the child. How does the parent view their life and child's life? A blessing or a curse?
Odgie, sorry I caught you off guard. I changed over about a month ago.
Tyler, I hear you, I am not sure that situation speaks to this one. they are definitely different in intensity, but I understand what you are saying.
Noreaster, I understand your concerns. being in the ministry I have had to deal over the last 10 years with about 10 different suicides. Those are ones we directly were involved with the family or the memorials. We just held a memorial for a lady dealing with MS last week that took her own life.
Statistically, I know of spouses (especially older spouses) taking their life after their spouse has died. But I have never heard of children doing it. And in our case that has never happened. I am sure it has.
But, in all these situations, the family was definitely informed and a part of the process. Understanding how to grieve through it, care for each other through it and so on. I have seen that side of it and know that people can deal with this while cared for, however horrid the situation.
Carl just said, "The determination of what Nor said might lie with the parent telling the child. How does the parent view their life and child's life? A blessing or a curse?" This is HUGE in my opinion.
Everyone is going to react differently, but the way we are spoken and informed has a ton to do with it. We as a church were the ones that were asked to inform some of these families to the true nature of their death. Some family members were not able to or prepared to speak about it and so someone stepped in to help in the process.
Getting back to the lady in my post, she has to be very cautious in how she speaks to her child about this and how she speaks about this childs father. Because the reality is that this child will be drawn to her father in some way, rapist or not. If mom has someone who can walk her through this, there will be a very good chance that both sides will be better for it.
Scriptures talk about protecting our children. But it doesn't say from bad things, it says from the evil one. I believe very strongly that all of us, including children will and need to walk through the fire to be refined. Caring and loving individuals on our sides can help in the process. I would never recommend people walk through a situation like this without some good counsel and care.
so i think the choices i made did indeed have a bearing on how Kass feels about herself, having told her of them (my choices). she feels loved, chosen, worthy. and this little girl in the story...can feel the same way when her mother tells her...'even in the face of tragedy...i chose YOU!" the mom didnt choose to be raped, no, but she chose to keep her child. so the same way i told kass, "IF you ever find yourself in a situation that forces you to consider an abortion...KNOW that you dont HAVE to go down that road" - this mother of the little girl can say the same thing..."IF you find yourself in a similar situation (rape) KNOW that you dont have to travel an uncertain road, not knowing what to do...i chose you...and you are my blessing and reward, crafted out of tragedy."
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If the Mom keeps this a secret, what does she tell the daughter? What does the daughter do when she wants to know her dad? This "secret" is public knowledge and will be found out someday if this daughter ever tries to find her dad.
And like the lady said to her, she may never question her paternity, especially if this guy is going to adopt her???
Tam, I totally see your point of view the way you explained it. ;-) However, I'm still on the fence. I like the way you explained it to Kass though.
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GOd honors truth..and I believe as long as I speak truth, He will take care of the rest. My daughter did not like the truth ( at 15) but she has come to understand her worth to me, and respect more why I was single and why I worked alot..she had issues with that.
"Truth sets you free"
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We've always told our adopted son the truth, and when he finally figures out how babies are made, I'm sure there will be more deeply emotional questions he will ask. The twins don't know that they were conceived via IVF...but when they are old enough, we just may tell them. I would also seriously consider telling my children about the rape and the abortions when they are teenagers and are old enough to learn about all that stuff. Like Tam, I feel honesty is the best life example I can give...but only when the children are old enough to process and understand it correctly.
i dont see the good in that. at. all.
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Roxx
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see?! blown away...
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So if the chances are high that the daughter (once a teen...say 14-17) will go searching for her dad, does that impact your thoughts on this?
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The letter stated her fiance was adopting the girl. Sooo, if she is going to grow up with a father, why would she have reason to wonder anything else?
(Tam, I love you)
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She is going to do her best with what she has. She will do what she feels best for her daughter when she is older. She may tell her and the daughter may be happy to finally know, or she may be upset at the horrible background of her father. Or, she could not tell her and if the daughter one day found out on her own, she could be happy to know her mom was trying to protect her, or she could be mad at her mom for not telling her. What I'm trying to say is that the mom will never know what the right choice is. We can all say in hindsight what we would do with our own situations, but every kid is different, every mom is different.
James had the best (and first) comment of all I think. No one can give a difinitive answer b/c everyone's situation is different.
My first comment on this said "no, don't tell" but I take that back (am I allowed? haha) Now after thinking about this longer I would say she should definately pray about it from now until forever and take into consideration the type of person her daughter becomes. One that could be strong enough to handle the truth, or one that would benefit from some loving protection. And I certainly wouldn't write anymore newspaper columnists for advice. :lol:
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I think our feelings and opinions on both sides of this can come into play. but here is where I lie.
we cannot guarantee that things will be a certain way or people will feel a certain way. you can't live based on that. we have to live based on right and wrong. Truth and lie. I have to go with truth.
So, my process of dealing with situations would then be how to both learn from it myself and then how to teach others and walk others through it.
One of the most beautiful things about God's "saving grace" is that we from a past that could have been awful to a present and future that is completely transformed. This only happens when we come face to face with truth and reality. We can't be transformed or renewed from something we never new.
as much as I want to "protect" this littel girl fromt he truth, it is not eh little girl that has been damaged by it. it is her Mom that was raped. this litte girl actually has the truth of a Mom that loved her enough to keep her and not abort here, even in the midst of an awful situation. This little girl not only has a loving Mom that is now free of and healed from a horrid past, but also has a new loving and caring father. this girl is blessed.
For this girl to know the truth is to not devastate her, it is to show her how blessed and fortunate she is. She is alive, with a loving Mother who is safe and well, and a loving step Dad.
In truth, she will know of the dangers of rape, irst hand. She will know the freedom from bondage, first hand and she will understand the sanctity of life first hand. I would not keep that God ordained life from her.
My first take on this question is that the truth will always get you further than trying to cover something up. But then again, this didn't happen to me so there is no way I could know what I would really do if this hit home for us.
In the end I believe that the truth will always set you free and is stronger than the lies that enemy tries to sell us. I would hope that if I were in the same circumstance I could seek God's face and find the strength to let God speak to me and bring healing and forgiveness.
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How is transparency wrong?
I admit now without much reservation I was raped at 16 1/2 in my parents bedroom by my 45 year old next door neighbor. Today... at 41 years old and being a christian for many years I can be transparent about it. See I believe in God's grace.
Was I angry you betcha and "walt" define me for many years. I cannot even smell old spice anymore. BUT>>>
I have had some hard hits in my life. That's fine, but if I store them inside way deep where they belong like some of commenters feel. Then I won't have a testimony of God's grace, power, forgiveness and there maybe a woman or male or child who gets in that situation and they hold in so tight that they don't tell, that DAILY it starts to define them and mold them into something they aren't. Then it takes years and years to heal.
It's okay to share I believe...... as long as its the healing process has begun in someone's life.
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But you know something? I swear I'd never thought I'd do this...but I was once involved with a woman who had been raped and had had a child as a result. And I once asked her the same question that everybody is debating here. I could tell you what she said, of course, but shortly after she answered my question, I realized I had no business pretending I would ever come close to understanding what she had been through. And I realized that most of my thoughts on the subject until then were just meaningless conjecture. And even now, I can only honestly say that I simply caught a glimpse. Because unless you've been through it, that's just about all it is--a glimpse. Or meaningless conjecture.
But you know what it was like for me? A cloud in the sky. On a bright, beautiful summer day with a gentle breeze blowing through my hair while I'm feeling the grass beneath my feet and the sunlight on my face. And to focus on something SO negative--rape--when you've got so much of God's glorious creation right in front of you because you actually took the time to get to know the mother and the child and you dared to believe that they were both made in God's Image...
...That's like spending a gorgeous summer day staring a single cloud wondering when it will rain. Do you want to stare at that cloud all dang day or see the beauty of God's creation that's right in front of you?
And Heidi (God bless her!), who HAS been through it--though she didn't say whether or not she'd had a child as a result--summed it very nicely when she said, "If I store it inside...then I won’t have a testimony of God’s grace, power, forgiveness."
And THAT truth has ALWAYS been good enough.
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My recommendation to the mother (given what little I know about the mother) would be to seek counseling. I would be very concerned that her asking of permission to hide her past is a veil for some shame or fear she is carrying.
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if she tells her something other than what happened, then she will be telling a lie and opening the flood gates to even more hurt and more lies to try and cover up the lies...it could be an endless cycle...
i would definitely say that she needs to wait until the girl is of an age where she can understand the situation...WOW!
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Brad, I believe that when we know the truth that we are truly able to be the men or women God has created us to be. Healed and strong in Him.
Heidi, I am humbled that you would share with us. I will never know what you went through, but I can rejoice with you now knowing what God has done in you. As a brother in Christ, I am so proud of you! Thank you for your insight and your wisdom!
Ric, I have watched over and over as the truth comes out and how damaging it has been to those who withheld it.
Blessed1, the ability to release truth properly is huge. Instead of allowing the information to just appear and be dropped in someone's lap.
Jon, tough questions that we can only speculate for this woman, but can really consider for each of us.
Noreaster, I am not sure what is so frustrating. I have read through all the comments as well and they are very thoughtful and lots of good questions and wisdom. We know that we are not and cannot speak for this woman. #1 we only have some of the facts and #2 we don't know her personally.
What we do know is many of the things that people go through and how to walk them through it. I had an opportunity to talk to a good friend yesterday that is a grief counselor and also deals with crisi counseling for rape, or unplanned pregnancies. When I gave him this scenario he said that #1 this women needs to be healed herself. She needs to get well. She needs to not be living in bondage or fear. That may be a lifetime process, but one that she can begin and achieve as Heidi has shown us. With a saving relationship in Christ, I believe that process can be even better. The second thing was that in the process of healing for this mom was also the disclosure process to family. When a person goes through a traumatic situation they are devastated. Healing needs to take place for them to be move on. If this Mom were not to get proper counseling, this daughter could be worse of than any of this truth could ever leave her.
One thing we have been doing is focusing heavily on the daughter, but we need to remember that the person who's life was attacked was this Mom. She needs love, attention and care. She needs healing and a moving forward in life, that can encourage her and strengthen her and make her well. If/When this happens, this Mom will know how to lead and talk to her daughter. To what ever extent she decides.
I apologize if I am not here much today gang. I am working 14 hour days this week and will catch up in the evenings when I get home. Tam will help me out though :)
From a spiritual perspective, truth is truth. God doesn't define truth as "only under certain exceptions." Having said that, I believe that God leads us to share truth with people in our lives as He deems appropriate. Let me see if I can articulate my point: if my daughter asked me if I had ever been sexually assaulted, I would tell her the truth. That is what I am called to do. To say "no" would be lying and lying is never an option for God. However, if she did not ask me, then my decision to share the truth with her would be based on the Holy Spirit's leading. There have been several times in my life where God has told me not to tell someone something that pertains to them or me because the timing was not appropriate or because it was not for me to tell them that particular thing. And then there have been times in my life where God has told me to share the truth with someone who did not neccessarily ask me for it.
My deliverance from those two traumatic experiences are a testimony. If that is the context God wants me to share that with my daughter/children then I shall be obedient and do so. If the context is safety, then I will do so. If the context is empathy, then I will do so [maybe she goes through the same thing, as hard as that is for me to think about, it's nothing something I can control]. The common thread is that God is the One who has to direct a conversation of this kind. He is the ultimate Wisdom and He will always give the appropriate answer.
Another thing I just thought of [thank you Holy Spirit] is that a good measure for making your decision is your motive. Are you sharing for yourself or are you sharing for the benefit of the person you're sharing with? God will never ask you to relieve your burden by burdening somebody else. I am a firm believer that one person's truth [as God has asked to reveal it] will never put someobody else in bondage. It's like in my therapy sessions and when I think about self-disclosure. Whenever I think about it being a good idea, I ask myself, am I doing this because I am needing something from the client or gaining something by self-disclosing or is it because hearing that I went through the same thing may add something to this client's healing experience.
Good thoughts everybody. I understand how heavy this conversation is and I didn't read through all the comments but I appreciate everyone walking in love and sharing their thoughts. God bless!
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You have given us some absolutely wonderful wisdom! Not just for those dealing with a situation like, this, but also for those in other situations where God is healing and truth is forthcoming.
Thank you!
I married into a family with many secrets. Over the past 5 years lots of them have surfaced. My sister-in-law had 5 babies from the age of 13-18...she adopted out two girls and aborted the other three. The second child adopted out found her a few years ago, she was so happy because she didn't like the home she was adopted into and she found she was the result of a high school romance. She called herself "the love child".
In the course of finding her birth mom, she found she had another sister out there. The first girl who was adopted out was the result of a rape, but she didn't know that...
This child (the child of a rape) loved her adopted home, was a young married woman with her first child. When she found out she was the result of a rape, from well-intentioned but not well-informed family members, it shattered her world. She could not get her mind around what her father must have been like...She has since severed all ties with the family, it was too much to bear.
I'm not always sure we should tell our "truths", especially when another's psyche is involved. The truth that sets us free is the truth that all our sins have been dealt with at the cross. The truth that Christ died for ALL sin and we are totally new.
We don't have to reveal all the ugliness in the world, or our lives, to understand we are all sinners needing grace. We can share our stories when we have them understood, but to share a story that might ruin someone else's perspective of themselves/others for the sake of "telling the truth" might be a limited perspective.
So much needs to be evaluated in telling something like this to a child or an adult. The mother may have dealt with the forgiveness and restoration of what happened to her, but that doesn't mean the child is ready to hear it all. Each of us is unique in how we will hear and evaluate ourselves based upon what we understand to be truth.
I really liked James' comment at the first...
No blanket statements when it's all conjecture anyway...God deals with us individually with much grace and mercy...revealing to us what we can handle...not giving us more than we can bear.
I guess I'm saying CAUTION is the best approach, IMHO.
Michelle's last blog post...Chock-full of Truth
I love this comment. What is the purpose of the conversation with the daughter? WE have no clue..
My daughter is 17, well developed and I sat down with over a Jamba juice and told her honestly of what happened. WHY?
Because I don't want her to be blindsighted in believing that the world is perfect. She needs to have protection and the skills to know from right and wrong.
No Nor, I didn't have a child with my rape, but I did birth self-condemnation and lost of purity/innocence, and the feeling I was a whore because "walt" told me so.
I would want my child to have the freedom to tell me there was danger of this happening.
I would want a women to be free to have a relationship with me under confidence that I would listen because I understood.
Granted there is a time, a place, and God's grace in reservation also.
I just learned recently that God is using my testimony in all this everday.
I no longer let "Walt" to haunt me.
Please let me tell you... It's taken 25 years to overcome this...
Isn't God awesome!!!
Heidi's last blog post...Inside- Out Authenticity
Heidi's last blog post...Inside- Out Authenticity
Our brains begin storing memories while in the womb, as early as 6-8 weeks of gestation. I imagine the mother experienced a gamut of emotions, both about the rape, and then about the resulting pregnancy. Her daughter, therefore, experienced the same emotions--the fear, possible rejection, confusion, and many more, but without the understanding of where they were coming from. We tend to internalize those feelings and direct them at ourselves.
Regardless of what the mother tells her, that little girl will always carry that emotional memory, and it will affect her deeply, though it will likely be subconscious.
Though 2 is young to reveal the truth (she doesn't even know where babies come from yet), eventually, sharing the truth with her daughter about the circumstances of her conception and the source of the emotions is one of the few ways to bring healing to a deep wound that is almost certainly, already there. It may take a deep healing prayer ministry effort to accomplish the task (see Deep Wounds, Deep Healing or other works by Dr. Charles H. Kraft, as well as other books on the subject). It's an amazing process, led by the Spirit, and I've witnessed, and experienced (see my blog), incredible healing miracles through the process.
econmommy's last blog post...Lighten Up
tam's last blog post...the truth can hurt - but does that make it bad?
TheNorEaster's last blog post...SunBeams 6
TheNorEaster's last blog post...SunBeams 6
tam :)
Tam I agree with you all the way. You are such a very special person.