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this is good.
<abbr>Brandy´s last blog post...Not feelin’ it lately</abbr>
<abbr>Jim Henry´s last blog post...I’m SSMRT!</abbr>
<abbr>mandythompson´s last blog post...Write Now</abbr>
awesome!
<abbr>tam's blog´s last blog post...i don’t know their names</abbr>
That doesn't include me. So all I had to do was read the title.
And skip the rest.
Which is cool. 'Cause I'm beat!
G'Night!
And if you need some names, I've got a few that I've met in my life.
<abbr>carrie-the gremlin wrangler´s last blog post...A Conversation With My Sister</abbr>
first,re: yourself:
"I can handle pain as well as being picked on. Of course, my reactions often come at the expense of others. I can easily use my “force” to attempt to gain my own way. All of us have been in a fight at some point in our life. Fists were thrown. Blood was shed. Some fights were worse than others."
and to 'them':
"Even worse, you’ve spoken to her in a way that makes her feel invaluable, cheap and worthless. You see, emotional abuse in my opinion is far worse. The physical bruises will heal. An emotional bruise may never heal..."
"I understand that many of you are hurting yourself. But, why in the world do you choose to hurt others to make yourself feel better! Be a man and get help. But there are many of you that don’t care. I don’t understand you... I want nothing to do with you. And yet, God says I need to show you love. I don’t like that. but I know it’s right...
I am watching you destroy something that God has created. Woman. The one thing you desire the most. A beautiful, loving woman is the one thing you are destroying. Don’t you see this!!!"
'Sorry to 'eavesdrop' on your letter to the 'married men' but it appears 3 out of 4 other commenters have already, so I'm not the first (or I suspect the last =).
I can say a resounding personal 'AMEN' to all I quoted here, but am also glad to say none of it applies (except maybe the "all of us" you noted at first) to Nick (my hubby).
Don't you think though it should all be 'taken to heart' by men in relationship to ANY woman as well, not just their 'wives'? Sadly, I've seen a 'double standard' practiced by some in that context.
D-
Women are to be equals, led over, cared for, loved, cherished, nurtured, built up, lifted up, encouraged, comforted and protected. If we do that, then we men look glorious because of the love of Christ in us and through us.
If women are battered, torn down, abused, shattered, used, suppressed, subdued, broken, kicked, beaten and left unprotected, then that makes men look monstrous at best and shunned by God at worst.
Men, you might not think of yourselves as leaders. Whether single or married, if you know of a woman close to you and you lead her in anyway, then you will be held accountable for what you two do... not just for what you do.
That is why we do what 1 Timothy 5:2 says we are to encouraged "... older women as mothers and younger women as sisters."
<abbr>Joseph Louthan´s last blog post...Heart’s Desire: My Son</abbr>
might i suggest posting it again next week under the title "an open letter to a single man who wants to have any relationship at all with a woman"... i'm thinking only for the benefit of our dear friends who share @thenoreaster's point of reference. i wouldn't want them to miss out on such an important life lesson.
<abbr>carolyn´s last blog post...master file structure</abbr>
That was awsome I agree 100% We has men are honored to have one that special and our wives are 100% pure and we need to honor them
<abbr>Andy depuy´s last blog post...My Book Review on the Battlefield of the Mind</abbr>
I am at a loss for words and that doesn't happen often.
This is the first time I have been to your blog and brother....you tell it how it is.
I am guilty of protecting myself with sarcasm, not fists or even necessarily shouting. I have honed my craft of sarcasm to a very fine skill and I can cut a person into small pieces very quickly and efficiently. I am sorry to say I have used this "tasteless" skill on my wife of 12 years more than on anyone else. Each time I apologize but each time I erode away a piece of her soul and tenderness.
It is hard being locked inside myself and not able to take out my frustration on ME. I have not yet found a good way to make myself the victim of my own sarcastic beating. I think that is intentional on God's part to keep me from killing myself.
I am sorry. I guess that is what I am trying to say. I am sorry for hurting my wife, I am sorry for being self absorbed, I am sorry for being insecure and not letting Christ be my identity but rather being caught up in what other think (or might think) of me.
I want to value my wife as Christ values her. I want to prize her and for her to feel she is my prize.
This should have been a blog post and not a comment on your blog...I am sorry for that too. What you said was timely for me and I needed this small place on your website to make my confession.
Thanks for your "rant"
Chad
<abbr>Chad Markley´s last blog post...Open Mic Night....</abbr>
<abbr>tam's blog´s last blog post...i don’t know their names</abbr>
<abbr>Cheryl´s last blog post...Living the Stock Market Life</abbr>
I think each of us is going to get something out of this and I appreciate that and I hope for that.
Carolyn and Noreaster. I wanted to address Married men, because I am one and can speak from there. Although, I completely agree with you Carolyn, in that this goes to all men in any stage of relationship.
D and Cheryl, you are blessed with Godly men and I know that because I know you and them. I am grateful for that.
Chad, you've blown me away. Thank you for your honesty. First of all, it sounds like you DO value your wife. You are willing to admit what you have done and are willing to make it different. One thing I would say is that you do not need to take your frustration out on anyone. including yourself. Our weaknesses are made strong in Him and Jesus has to be what makes the difference. Let Him love on you and walk you through this. Choose to love Him completely and you will love your wife and yourself as well. Your awesome Chad!
…. My husband of 19 years.
My husband is not the one you would find on a street corner bar or at a football game screaming obscenities; he’s the nice man down the street who helps the elderly woman move in, he’s the church leader that you shake hands with in the parking lot.
But as soon as the deadbolt unclicks he changes. He needs to feed off my accomplishments so he can be accomplished. He needs to feed off my security to build his insecurity. Tearing me down and making me lower than him makes him a man.
Although my husband has never hit me ever. He has done more harm to me by the words that he has said. Over the 19 years, I have been his slut, whore, deadbeat, fat, ugly, sexually undesirable, uneducated, ungodly, wife to him.
Although he has pushed me to the corners many times emotionally, I have only thought once about ending our marriage. Divorcing him has never been an option. Why? And what about your kids?
Because I gave a covenant with my God that I will be his wife to the end. There are people... many people who say I would be better off without him. I say to those people I married because I love him. I am still married because I love him.
But instead of following him I follow God. God gives me the hope that a miracle will still happen and that
I AM VALUABLE …
I am worthy
I am a woman
I am a child of God
It’s taken many many many minutes of time to GET here, but I am doing it to be AN EXAMPLE to my husband... Building him up as he tears me down.
Because in the end God will know who was faithful.
Thank you Brent for publishing a letter that I have written over and over again in my journals.
To any woman or even man who are reading this. There is hope, You may not choose to stay in the marriage like I that’s okay, but there’s hope. God is our hope... God is our Refuge. He’s our healer…
Pray for my husband would you? Pray that he will find Jesus in a supernatural way like I and that his own healing will start.
Thank you
It took a REAL man to write this post… know that
I am sure for a moment it makes him feel like a man, but as you know and as Joe spoke well to, it makes him less of a man. You labeled why people do this. Because they are looking for some false sense of security from someone or something else. They won't find it. I will be praying for you and your husband. That he sees himself through God's eyes and he is willing to humble and surrender himself to who he is to be.
Yes you are!!! And with God all things are possible. But most important, right now, is you finding who you are in Christ, because He is your safety, security and creator and He sees you as beautiful.
I love the pasion brother!!!!
Peace and Love
Why? Emotional abuse is far harder to recover from. I am proud of you that you are able to see your worth and value through God’s eyes.
But you are not the only person impacted in this relationship.
What is really bad, is this is the example your children are seeing. If you have girls, they will mirror what they see in your relationship – this is how they will be treated by men. If you have boys, this is the way they will treat their wives. Think about them.
I understand the “I love him” comment. I’ve been there, I left, I recovered and am healed through Christ.
Talk to your pastor. Find a counselor. Please.
<abbr>dorothy (vicar of vibe)´s last blog post...new vocabulary...</abbr>
Dorothy, thank you for your concern for "a Woman". I believe you have given her much wisdom. In the same way, I appreciate your encouragement to seek out counsel. Only she and those around her can see all of the situation she is in and properly lead her to the decisions she needs to make. Hearing her words gives me confidence that she is walking down a path that will lead to hers as well as her childrens safety and health.
With that said, A Woman, please be honest in getting that help. Don't hold back. There is nothing more valuable in this than you and your children. Your husband has to learn on his own, but if you are in danger in anyway emotionally or physically, please protect yourself and your children. It is the best thing you could do for yourself. And in this situation, you should be concerned with that most.
Thanks for the great blog, Brent! I miss you and Tammy lots!
You have to remember that verbal abuse is the hardest to see or to diagnose or even bring to light. It is a he/she battle.
It is a silent abuse( to the public). There are no signs.
Some pastors/friends are not trained for this and when you come weeping at their feet more than 1-2 times a week, you tend to lose hope because they cannot do anything or you are over "exaggerating" and they walk away.
I have sought counseling and have been attending for over a year.
But my breakthrough truthfully and honestly came through blogging and writing... I have met women and men in my life that continue to support me and love me not on a blog level, but on a personal level.
My kids are protected more than anything!!!
(my husband is a good dad)
Honestly, I completely disagree with this. I would love to understand what you are saying. Verbal abuse is very evident in people's lives. It breeds insecurity, it breeds anger, it breeds depression. I have watched verbal abuse destroy people's lives and I have never heard one word that was said. It is evident in the lives of everyone it has affected. It cannot be hidden.
We don't have to talk here, can I email you? What would you prefer?
<abbr>Tyler´s last blog post...Presidential Debate: The Deuce</abbr>
All kidding aside, I am not concerned whether the discussion ends up here, I would just like to give people the opportunity to allow the discussion to start here. I hope men read this, take it to heart and then do with it as they will/
<abbr>Rachel´s last blog post...Success: Anybody Know Where The Key Is?</abbr>
I completely agree.
"I don’t care for you."
I can't agree with that because even if we know we need to "love them because it is the right thing to do", that will never happen if we "don't care."
I suspect that is where those people are who choose to maintain hope in those kind of abusive situations. It still may require 'tough love' to show that care, and possibly separation to stop the abuse, but I think we have to remember, as Pastor Tom often says, "Hurt people hurt people."
So, if we don't even care enough to try to understand (without condoning the wrong,) how can we ever hope to be used in the healing process (Gal. 6:1-2)?
D-
Um...that doesn't apply to me, either! ;)
<abbr>carrie-the gremlin wrangler´s last blog post...October: How I Love Thee</abbr>
Nor, fine.
Carrie, be bold in challenging those you know now to stand up and be real men. I know you will.
<abbr>brent(inWorship)´s last blog post...The Real Thing</abbr>
<abbr>brent(inWorship)´s last blog post...The Real Thing</abbr>
I know the words hurt,jagged, makes you boil and are scarring and thinking that you are all alone and nobody cares.
You feel like wooden boat in the rapids of the river, wondering if the boat will fall apart. It won't. God will also take away the thoughts and the suffocation one at a time as LONG AS YOU GIVE HIM them.
This is the lesson I am learning right now.. this minute.
WE cannot do it alone.
Surrender the words don't let them keep you captive..
(mmmm.. a word for me too)
Hang in there... prayin
<abbr>Odgie´s last blog post...Tagalicious</abbr>
I have God and I have a precious gift from Him, my husband...and yet there is still pain. Husbands and Fathers, the damage done can be irreversible. Feeling of worthlessness can be overwhelming.
Thanks again, Brent. Brought some "stuff" up...
<abbr>Michelle´s last blog post...Messy Spirituality</abbr>
i ain't perfect and know that i do not give 100% in the practice of Eph 5:25ff... and she ain't perfect in living out Eph 5:22. BUT, I love how we are both moving ever closer to that end as we submit ourselves to God. if neither one of us were open to refinement (read: correction and readjusting of attitudes and perspectives toward one another) through the Holy Spirit then we won't be able to live honestly before God and we'd just be living a shell of an existence... and then there *really* wouldn't be much "man" or "woman" worth tryin' to feel superior over. We'd just be feedin' into ourselves and getting worse!
<abbr>pete´s last blog post...Samuel.</abbr>
Thanks for this post Brent. You da man.
<abbr>Ric´s last blog post...Remodeling</abbr>
Brent...I have never known you to rant. So I knew this HAD to be important. Due to my exhaustion yesterday, I never read the post. Although, thinking about it now, that was probably a good thing because my rant probably would have been much, much worse than yours. Yes, I can see your anger and your frustration up close, but more than that, you are focused. Determined. Tenacious. And just flat-out pissed off. With very good reason.
The older I get, the more I realize that everyone has the power and the capacity to be abusive in some way, whether physically, mentally, or emotionally. Consider for a moment your own words: "God says I need to show you love. I don’t like that." Without proper guidance from The Spirit--which I believe you are getting--those words, that perspective, could become very, very dangerous. I understand, all too well, your anger. But Jesus told us to love our enemies for a reason. Because when exactly that much is right in our relationship with God--which, mind you, I believe we show in our relationships with others (especially those we don't like)--then that anger becomes a righteous force instead of a path to the sin of self-righteousness and, ultimately, destruction.
The Misifts know my "wrath." When I see that somebody is doing something wrong, I am patient enough to give counsel without condemnation. It is only when someone crosses the line that I let loose my wrath. And because they respect me, because I have earned their friendship, my words in that moment are far, far more effective than some sort of lecture. I've given plenty of lectures in my time and I've found them tremendously INeffective if the person does not consider me a friend in every sense of the word.
Sometimes, all I need to say--in a quiet (NOT argumentative or confrontational) but, Yes, an intimidating voice- is, "What the hell are you doing?" When you personally know the person with the problem, when you know their struggles and their history, when you know their pain and they have trusted you enough to share it with you, a sentence like that is all you need. It becomes an alarm clock to them. You have earned the right to say that because the person knows you care, knows you love them. Just like God has the right to rebuke and discipline His children for the very same reasons (albeit on an infinite scale). That's why love is so important when we, as Christians, are faced with such dreadful situations.
AND, I believe, the anger that I show in moments like that is the healthy side of the emotions that lead to abuse. For instance, the first time I used that sentence (can't give examples, sorry), I was told later by the person to whom I had said it that it stabbed like a knife. That seriously scared me. I am not always aware of the power that I have. But I do know, as a writer, that the power of words is immense. And, fortunately, I had used that power in a positive way. And that person woke up to the reality of a bad situation because, again, I had earned that person's friendship first. After that, the person turned away from a self-destructive path.
We don't just need to say the right thing. We need to say the right thing at the right time to the right person in the right situation. And we need, above all, to follow the greatest commandments: "Love God with all you are" and "Love your neighbor as yourself."
Because TRUTH WITHOUT LOVE IS ABUSE.
(I apologize for the length.)
so long story short..Amen, and yes God does heal those wounds and scars, but some of them will raise their ugly head when I least expect it...the power of the tongue is huge. Of all the abuses I have suffered under..verbal is the worst. I would rather take the punch than hear what a lower form of life I am..those things stick like glue, and I have to every day...meet with God and go over who I am in HIM, so as not to let those things get an upper hand on me.
God has blessed me with a great husband, and since being with him, I don't experience abuse, so the trickle down theory is ...he spent many years showing me that he was different..so nice guys get the hard end of all this when meeting a girl that has gone through the negative. I thank GOD for men like Scott and you..what a great patience HE has placed in you both to help women like me stand back up. love you
<abbr>darla´s last blog post...What we have done to the least of these…or not done</abbr>
It didn't go unnoticed.
Keep standing people need you too.
You are an awesome husband!!! Know that!!!
<abbr>Heidi´s last blog post...The Glory of Friendships</abbr>
I found this in my devotional Bible:
"The image of a mature marriage that I like best is that of two people making music together. Each plays their own instrument and uses his own unique skills, but they play the same song. Each is whole and complete. Each is independent and committed," By: John Bradshaw
Wow. I need to go hug my husband and thank him for being one awesome incredible child of God, husband, father and man. While I know your heart here was to help the hurting, you reminded me I have so much to be grateful for. My testimony on this one is that I dont have a testimony on this subject. I have been blessed with an incredible relationship since dating over two decades ago. Thats a lot of love. Time for hugs and thank yous.
I think Nor's comment (#42)addressed that well, so I won't write more.
This has all reminded me of a book I read several years ago that I believe is very relevant to this topic. It is "Broken Children, Grown Up Pain" by Paul Hegstrom. He also wrote another titled, "Angry Men and the Women Who Love Them", but I haven't read that one, though it sounds even more applicable.
Looking back over sections I highlighted, there is so much that applies here. He (Paul) was that 'abusive husband' you wrote to, and it really helps to hear his perspective 'after he made the turn around'. He doesn't make excuses for his behavior, but does give 'reasons' to help with understanding how helplessly 'out of control' he was without realizing it or knowing why.
Here's a quote:
"Though we mask our pain, our emotions inevitably surface in our actions. We become emotional pressure cookers as our behavior, attitudes, and anger bleed out in what we perceive as safe, low-risk ways -- yet we're never able to resolve the inner turmoil...
Many of us are dying inside because we can't see a past wound as the source of our adult behaviors. We're powerless and helpless, feeling like children in an adult world. Our abilities to understand our emotions, resolve our conflicts, manage our anger, and cope with our sexality were stolen from us when were were hurt. Because we're arrested in our development, we can't see the whole picture. We act like children wanting what we want when we want it. This mind-set ushers us into the world of denial. We don't even understand how our pain affects our needs and desires. When we can't identify our issues, we can't address them. We feel powerless and hopeless. We spend the rest of our lives in a survival mode, trying to stay alive emotionally and physically." (from pp. 22-25).
It is definitely true, as you said, that the 'abusers' have to WANT to be helped before anything will come to light or change as a result, but I think we do have to make every effort to understand 'where they're coming from' and have as much compassion on them as the ones they abuse (though it is definitely MUCH HARDER!!). If they sense we don't care for them in any way, how can trust be established to come along side when they do admit their need?
If you're interested in the book at all, there was actually a copy of it in the sound booth for a while (I got my own copy to mark in =). It disappeared from there quite a while ago when someone cleaned up, so I don't know if it's still around anywhere.
For anyone else though, I got my copy through www.family.org so, it might still be available there.
I do suspect that the wives who find themselves the object of abuse have seen the 'broken child' side of their husbands at some point, and that gives them the compassion and hope to keep 'holding on'.
As to staying in the abuse, I'd say that might 'enable' more than resolve anything. I'll head on over to inprogress to read and possibly comment more on that related post though.
Also, I was curious about Ric's take on all this since his Dad (I assume the same Dad he referred to in his comment #41 above)is now a believer and they have reconciled. I wonder how his Dad sees himself 'then' and now that he's a 'new man'?
D-
"but is it safe to assume from your response in #34 that you don’t even WANT to ‘care’?"
i say, NO. read his response again...
"I don’t care for them. I can’t stand them. I hate what they are doing. But God calls me to love, so I choose to do that. And choose to help those who are willing to receive that help."
he "chooses" to. therefore he wants to. he wants to honor God in that way.
sorry, but i just wanted to help you see that.
<abbr>tam's blog´s last blog post...outside my front door…</abbr>
I don't say this lightly; he is that far gone, and has no comprehension of his own condition. Every action he takes is a manipulative ploy to get his way. No one is without hope? No one is beyond redemption? I want to believe that, but it will take a miracle (one of those truly inspiring, write a movie of the week, stop the presses intervention type of miracles.
To be honest, I have a hard time praying a prayer that will restore him if it means he'll continue to be in relationship with my daughter.
Lord, have mercy on me.
<abbr>badguy´s last blog post...Where’s Badguy?</abbr>
Thanks for the clarification. I guess I just see 'care' and 'love' going together (though different in definition), and the need for choosing both. So, I'll assume he was seeing the terms as equivalent (i.e. 'choosing to love' = care?).
Where I wanna be too,
D-
<abbr>Heidi´s last blog post...Green Pastures Part 3- Pearl Discovery</abbr>